


Vanilla, spice and other assorted flavours

by Mialienes



Series: Animal Shelter AU [3]
Category: Super Junior, Super Junior-M
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 12:41:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3250073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mialienes/pseuds/Mialienes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyuhyun starts to worry that he's too boring for Zhou Mi.</p><p>Henry helps. </p><p>Oh no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vanilla, spice and other assorted flavours

**Author's Note:**

> Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are bad dog parents in this fic. Obviously, in real life, don't let your dogs eat things that aren't food. :)
> 
> (Also don't take relationship and sex advice from trashy magazines..)

"Oh my god," Kyuhyun groans, his mind still fuzzy from sleep but clearing rather quickly when he realises that Zhou Mi is awake.

Awake _and_ currently under the blanket, breath hot on Kyuhyun's thighs.

"Fuck, Mi, what -" Kyuhyun chokes, the rest of his words coming out in garbled gibberish as his tongue closes off his throat. Because Zhou Mi's idea of saying good morning is to pull down Kyuhyun's boxers and take his cock into his mouth. 

Oh. Fuck. Fuck. Fucccccccck. Good fucking morning! 

Kyuhyun isn't going to last long, not when his boyfriend has woken him up with a good morning blow job, and is currently bobbing his head up and down like a pro. 

Kyuhyun is _just_ about to come - "Oh my god I'm so close" - when there's a large crash and a whine from the living room

Zhou Mi stops, pulling off, head appearing as he pops out from under the blankets. "What was that?" 

"Noooo," Kyuhyun whines, trying to push him back down, but the moment has passed. Zhou Mi is too distracted to continue, getting off the bed and leaving the room to investigate. 

"Hugo baby, are you okay?" he says as he heads out. 

Kyuhyun drums his heels on the bed. It's been several days since Zhou Mi "convinced" Kyuhyun that they should foster Hugo the German Shepherd, and already Kyuhyun misses Monty. Sure, Monty was gigantic, he farted and drooled constantly, and he was far too fond of spooning Kyuhyun every evening. But underneath that dumb dog face he was gentle and sweet, and maaaaaybe Kyuhyun kind of, sort of, liked him a little. 

He was an angel in comparison to Hugo. 

Hugo is hyperactive, contrary and tries to eat _everything_. The day before he took a bite of the toilet seat. (Kyuhyun still doesn't know why.) In addition, he doesn't listen to any of Kyuhyun's instructions, even though they both know that he understands the commands because he doesn't hesitate when Zhou Mi gives them to him. 

And now. Now!! He's interrupted the best blow job of Kyuhyun's life and Kyuhyun is going to _kill_ him. 

Well. Not literally, because that would be the end of Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, but Kyuhyun is going to think _very hard_ about it. Very, very hard. 

When Zhou Mi finally returns, Kyuhyun's erection has withered and he's totally pissed off. 

"What did that dumb dog break this time?"

"Nothing!" Zhou Mi exclaims, before adding. "It's not _broken_ broken. The coffee table can be fixed. Maybe."

Kyuhyun flops back and pulls the covers over his head.

"Now where were we?"

"I don't want it now!" Kyuhyun shouts at him, voice muffled by the blankets.

"Oh."

Dammit, Kyuhyun can _feel_ Zhou Mi's pout from where he's hiding. 

"I'm going to take a shower."

Kyuhyun can hear Zhou Mi leaving and he hates himself. Now he's pissed off, horny AND he feels guilty. But then he hears from the doorway, "Aren't you coming?"

_Shower sex._

Kyuhyun sets a new record for how fast he clambers out of bed. 

 

*

 

Later, after a rather enjoyable shower, Kyuhyun is relaxed. He'd left Zhou Mi to preen himself in the bathroom with his ten different jars of stuff: skin cream, toner, exfoliant, eye cream, essence, serum and whatever other glop Zhou Mi seemed to like putting on his face.

Hugo greets Kyuhyun happily as he enters the living room, bouncing around his feet as Kyuhyun does his best to ignore him. 

"Woof!" Hugo barks, butting Kyuhyun's thigh with his nose, not happy with the lack of attention. Kyuhyun bats him away, surveying that morning's damage. Hugo has obviously spent the night chewing the coffee table, and has somehow managed to detach one of the legs. Everything that had been on the table has slid to the floor - sheets of paper and books scattered everywhere. Kyuhyun crouches down to pick them up, Hugo pawing at them in an attempt to be helpful.

Kyuhyun gathers up the papers, shuffling them together neatly. As he's doing so, he recognises some of the writing on one of the sheets.

He gets a baaaad feeling in his stomach.

"Mi?" he calls out. "You remembered to apply for a permit for the new part of the animal shelter, right?" Because the new part of the shelter used to be a warehouse, they needed a permit to change the use. Before construction had even started, Kyuhyun had gone to the local council to get the necessary paperwork. 

Zhou Mi enters the room, patting his face, his cheeks still covered with cream. "Of course I did! I filled out the forms months ago."

Kyuhyun waves the papers he's holding. "Then these are spares?"

"Spares?" Zhou Mi comes closer to take a look and even through the cream Kyuhyun can see his skin pale. "Uh oh."

Uh oh. No. Uh oh was _not_ good.

"Umm. Maybe I forgot to send them in…"

Hugo gives the papers a sniff and tries to take a bite. 

"Mi!" Kyuhyun shouts at him, pushing Hugo away again. "We opened last week!"

"It's okay!" Zhou Mi says, ever the optimist. "I'll just go down to the council and explain the situation. I'm sure it will be fine." He disappears for a moment before returning, face finally clean. "Do you mind taking Hugo to work while I sort out the permit?"

Kyuhyun looks over to Hugo, who seems to have moved on to chewing the couch, and sighs.

 

* 

 

"No! Hugo! Bad dog!!"

Hugo ignores Kyuhyun, as always, and continues to happily chew on the bottom of Kyuhyun's sweater in relish.

"That dog has a problem," Ryeowook remarks, chin propped up on one arm as he leans on the counter. "Don't you feed him? Why is he always chewing things?" Bueller has climbed to the top of the computer monitor in an effort to be as far from Hugo as possible, as if he knows he's in danger of being eaten. 

Kyuhyun pushes Hugo's head away for the 1000000th time that day. "He has an oral fixation because he was taken away from his mother too early." He wipes his hand on his jeans and scowls as Hugo moves on from the sweater and tries to eat his shoe instead. "Hey! Bad dog!" 

Hugo continues to ignore him. 

There's a loud cry as Henry makes a dramatic entrance, throwing open the front door of the shelter. "Help me! Kyuhyun! I can't take any more of this. I'll give you my first born - PLEASE convince Zhou Mi to let me stop fostering this dog." Following closely behind him trots Jax. He's a Jack Russell, predominantly white with a brown spot covering one eye and a larger brown patch on his body. He's also obedient and seemingly unperturbed by Henry's dramatics. 

"What are you even talking about?" Ryeowook questions, calling Jax over to him with a short whistle. "He's an angel." 

Ryeowook leans down to pick Jax up while Henry slumps into his chair behind reception, hand over his eyes. "I'm not made to take care of a pet. It's too much responsibility." 

Kyuhyun thinks that's a true statement - he's not sure that Henry can even look after himself. "No wonder you want to give away your first born." Then he adds, as Hugo leans up to give Jax a lick, practically engulfing the smaller dog's head in his mouth, "And I'm not talking to Zhou Mi for you. At least your foster dog doesn't try to eat everything in sight. Count yourself lucky." 

Kyuhyun pulls Hugo away before he can actually eat Jax, and now that Henry has arrived he can leave him to mind reception. Hugo gets excited at the prospect of seeing his shelter friends, and now that they're headed out the back he gallops down the hall, dragging Kyuhyun behind him. 

Kyuhyun finally gets him settled, but not until Hugo manages to almost chew his leash in half. 

"You better not swallow that," Kyuhyun scolds as Hugo looks at him with sparkling eyes, resisting the attempts to pry it from his mouth. "I'm not performing surgery on you to remove a leash. You'll have to poop it out."

"Woof!" Hugo agrees, butt shaking from side to side as his tail wags, but he finally lets the leash drop. "Woof woof!" 

Later that morning Kyuhyun heads out for coffee on his break, returning with one for Zhou Mi. He finds him in his consultation room, chatting to someone on the phone. The call ends as Kyuhyun enters, and he passes the cup over. 

"How did you go at the town hall?" he asks. 

"Good!" Zhou Mi says brightly, perking up at the sight of coffee. "I submitted the paperwork and they said it shouldn't take too long to process."

"And it wasn't a problem that we've already opened?"

"Ahhh." Zhou Mi takes a suspiciously long sip of his coffee.

"Ahhhh?"

"We _might_ have to close the new part of the shelter until the permit is granted."

"Might????????"

Zhou Mi takes another rather long swallow before answering. "And by might, I mean, umm, we do."

"ZHOU MI." 

"It's okay!" Zhou Mi tells him soothingly, petting his arm like he would pet an angry cat. "I've been on the phone all morning to find foster families for the animals. And I only need five more." He beams, obviously proud of himself. "Hey, do you have any friends who'd like to look after an animal for a month?"

"A MONTH? I thought you said it wouldn't take long!"

"What's a month in the grand scheme of life?" Zhou Mi says philosophically, waving his arms in a big gesture and almost spilling his coffee. "It's fine. It's good! We can make this work. And we could look after another animal or two - right?"

Kyuhyun does his best not to give Zhou Mi a death glare. It doesn't matter anyway, because Zhou Mi is doing _that_ smile at him - the one where he shoots hearts out of his eyes - and he can feel his resolve weakening, as always. "I'll make some calls," he says instead, hoping that he can bribe his friends into taking some animals until the permit arrives.

 

*

 

"What do you want?" Kyuhyun says sharply at the sight of Heechul sauntering into the break room. They've stuck to their prior agreement - when Zhou Mi is around they play nice with one another, but when he's not there they do their best to ignore each other's existence. 

"I've agreed to foster a cat for Zhou Mi," Heechul tells him, not at all perturbed by his sharp tone. He perches on the arm of the couch that Kyuhyun is sitting on. 

"Zhou Mi's gone out to get lunch."

"I know," Heechul says breezily, uncaring. "Henry told me." 

"So…"

"I'm happy to wait." _And annoy you_ is the unspoken implication. "So how's it going with Zhou Mimi?" he asks, tone casual in such a way that Kyuhyun knows that a barb is coming. "Are you keeping him satisfied?"

Their sex life is the last thing Kyuhyun is going to talk to Heechul about, and he resists the obvious attempt to bait him. 

"We're great, and it's none of your business." 

"Really?" Heechul's eyes widen in mock surprise. "I apologise then, because I always assumed that you'd be too plain for him, considering how kinky he is. I must've misjudged you." He inspects his nails with a faux casualness. "Maybe you've changed him - unlike the others."

Kinky?? Despite himself, Kyuhyun feels a touch of worry. They have plenty of highly satisfying sex - at least, Kyuhyun thinks so - but it couldn't be described as _kinky_. Is there a whole part of Zhou Mi that Kyuhyun doesn't know? He's never complained, but… does he want more? 

And - the others? When they were just friends, Zhou Mi would tell Kyuhyun almost everything - except he never talked about his sex life in detail. But he went through boyfriends quickly, with none of his relationships lasting longer than several months. 

There'd only been one guy who'd lasted longer, and when they broke up, Zhou Mi told Kyuhyun that they'd been perfect together, except for one thing. Kyuhyun had never asked what that thing was, because Zhou Mi seemed fine with the break up and secretly Kyuhyun was glad to see them over. 

Now, however, he wishes he'd asked. What if that thing was sexual incompatibility? 

And… what if Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are sexually incompatible?

Heechul eyes him, and it's obvious he knows he's managed to cast a seed of doubt. "Remember, I'm always happy to give you tips," Heechul purrs at him, and Kyuhyun wants to claw his face off.

Instead he stands, brushing off his pants in vexation. "No need to wait for Zhou Mi. I'll go get the cat you're fostering." Anything to get Heechul out of here, and away from Kyuhyun, faster. He's going to find the ugliest, most bad tempered cat they have and hope that it pees on everything that Heechul loves. 

 

*

 

Kyuhyun knows that Heechul enjoys saying things to stir him up, but over the next week he can't stop thinking about it. It doesn't help that Zhou Mi hasn't managed to find places for all of the shelter animals, and now their apartment contains the two of them, Hugo, plus two cats. 

They have Bacon, a reddish coloured tabby, and Flossy, a predominately white ragdoll with a black face and ears, and striking blue eyes.

Bacon and Hugo love/hate one another on sight, alternating between obsession and annoyance. Meanwhile, Flossy stalks through their apartment like the queen she thinks she is, scolding the other two animals in high pitched meows as she surveys them from above - normally the shelves around the apartment from which she's climbed up. Flossy has a tendency to knock things over when she's unhappy or no one is paying attention to her, which seems to be quite often judging by all the books and ornaments that have migrated off the shelves and on to the floor. 

Needless to say, things in Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun's apartment have been a little hectic, leaving very little alone time. Kyuhyun tells himself that's probably why they haven't had sex in three days. It's not because he's too vanilla for Zhou Mi - right? 

Oh wait. Kyuhyun thinks back - it's been more than three days. It's been five. Kyuhyun can feel himself starting to hyperventilate. Is this a sign that the honeymoon period is over?

"Why don't you just talk to him?" Ryeowook asks, rescuing papers from underneath Kyuhyun's arm where he'd slumped in anguish over Ryeowook's desk. "You know? That communication thing? That adults do?"

"I AM communicating," Kyuhyun retorts, voice muffled by his arm. "I'm talking to you." 

"I don't want to hear about your sex life - or lack of."

"But you're my best friend!" Kyuhyun whimpers, lifting his head to give Ryeowook a mournful look. 

Ryeowook raises his eyebrow in disbelief. "Excuse me. Zhou Mi is your best friend. I'm not even a close second." 

"Yeah, well," Kyuhyun mutters, picking up the giraffe figurine that sits on Ryeowook's desk and making it canter awkwardly along the surface. "You've moved up since he became my boyfriend." 

"Gosh, I feel so flattered," Ryeowook says dryily. "You're really making me want to help you." 

 

*

 

"Here," Henry says as he enters, throwing a magazine on to Kyuhyun's desk. It slides across the surface, coming to a stop in front of him.

Kyuhyun eyes it. It's another one of the trashy magazines that they keep in reception for customers to read while waiting. "What's this?"

"Wook told me about your problem, so - I'm helping." 

Henry being helpful is like Hugo keeping things out of his mouth for longer than 30 minutes, so Kyuhyun is understandably suspicious. "Problem? What problem?" 

"Your sex problem. Go to page 53." 

Kyuhyun is both embarrassed and outraged that Ryeowook has told Henry about his concerns, but at the same time he's also curious. 

Curiosity wins and he flips to the page that Henry mentioned. "Ways to spice up your sex life," he reads out loud. He scans them quickly and narrows his eyes at Henry. "Are you nuts?"

Henry shrugs. "It worked last time, didn't it? When you were trying to get Zhou Mi to fall for you?" He plucks the magazine out of Kyuhyun's hands and flips through it idly. "It's not like it was your natural charm." 

Henry is stupid (and if he's not careful, Kyuhyun is going to kick him) but he _does_ have a point. When Kyuhyun was trying to make Zhou Mi fall in love with him, he had five tips to follow. While they were kind of cheesy, Kyuhyun has to admit that it _did_ work. 

"Give me that magazine again," he snaps, yanking it back from Henry and flipping back to the article. Henry leans over to read it at the same time. 

"I like that one," he says, pointing to one of the tips. "Wook and I do it all the time and -"

Unwanted mental images flash through Kyuhyun's mind and he winces in agony. "OH GOD HENRY PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW." 

 

*

 

Normally Kyuhyun would dismiss any advice Henry gives, but when day 10 ticks over with no sex, he's so desperate that he takes another look at the magazine. 

What harm could it possibly do - right?

 

*

**1: Try a new position**

The magazine article has lots of tips, ranging from easy to WOW PEOPLE DO THAT? Kyuhyun is definitely not ready for the latter, so he selects one of the simple ones as his first: try a new position. 

In Kyuhyun's opinion, their sex life is great. He can admit, however, that after nearly a year they've fallen into a bit of a routine. Sometimes they switch it up, but mostly Zhou Mi tops (because Kyuhyun doesn't mind him doing all the work) and they mostly do it missionary style. 

Maybe that's part of the problem. Is that why Zhou Mi isn't interested in sex with him anymore? Because it's now routine and Kyuhyun doesn't put in enough effort? Well, this is going to be the brand new, much improved, Kyuhyun - now with extra kink! 

He does a bit of research online, looking at diagrams and instructions, using a process of elimination before he finally comes up with something that 1: they can realistically do, 2: appears to be enjoyable, and 3: doesn't look like will kill them from exertion.

That's one part of the problem solved. But how is he meant to bring it up? Just springing on Zhou Mi the next time they start to have sex seems weird. _"Hey Zhou Mi, see this diagram? Let's do this"_ might just be a boner killer. But talking about it beforehand seems too calculated. Is he meant to ask him over dinner? That's also weird. 

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath. Perhaps he's overthinking this. He decides to try and introduce it naturally - perhaps he can subtly maneuver them both into it.

Since Zhou Mi cooks dinner, Kyuhyun does the dishes. There's not much to be done - he loads the dishwasher and washes up the few items that don't fit inside - and when he's finished he heads out to the living room to find Zhou Mi watching TV. Hugo is on his left, half sprawled over Zhou Mi's lap, and he has one of the cats - Bacon, underneath his right arm like an arm rest. Meanwhile Flossy is draped over the back of the couch behind him, kneading his neck with her paws. 

It's so domestic and cute that Kyuhyun's teeth ache a little. 

"What are you watching?" Kyuhyun asks. It looks like a panel talk show, with a group of guys sitting around a table and chattering to one another. It seems boring. 

"Nothing exciting," Zhou Mi says with a yawn. 

"Come to bed then," Kyuhyun says, his tone suggestive.

Zhou Mi looks at the time. "But it's only 9pm?" Then he comes to a slow realisation. "Oh! Okay!" Zhou Mi removes himself from the nest of animals. Flossy gets dislodged, almost falling off the couch, and Hugo whines in protest while Bacon digs his claws into Zhou Mi's thigh, but Zhou Mi eventually manages to extract himself. He follows Kyuhyun out of the room and they shut the bedroom door, all the animals on the other side.

Once inside their room, Kyuhyun pulls Zhou Mi to the bed and pushes him down. They start kissing - god it's been SO LONG (11 days but who's counting) - and Kyuhyun is hard and needy in an embarrassingly short amount of time. Zhou Mi seems similarly affected to be honest and soon they're both naked and rolling around on top of their bed. 

Zhou Mi wraps his hand around Kyuhyun's cock and gives him a questioning look. They've done this enough now that Kyuhyun knows what he's asking - whether Kyuhyun wants to top or bottom. 

In response, Kyuhyun fumbles for the bedside drawer and pulls out the lube and a condom. He passes the condom over, answering Zhou Mi's question. Kyuhyun uncaps the lube and spreads a generous amount on his fingers. He starts to prepare himself, but then Zhou Mi takes over. 

He's always like this, wanting to be the one to prepare him and truthfully, Kyuhyun doesn't mind it either. 

When Kyuhyun is prepped and ready, Zhou Mi rolls the condom on, and is about to enter him when Kyuhyun remembers his plan. 

"Wait!" he cries, placing a hand on Zhou Mi's shoulder to stop him. He sits up and starts to maneuver them, arranging Zhou Mi's arms and legs until Zhou Mi is sitting cross legged on the bed and leaning back on his hands to support himself. "Let's try this." Kyuhyun climbs on top and straddles him. 

Zhou Mi gives him a doubtful look, but Kyuhyun leans in to kiss him before reaching down to guide him in. Zhou Mi thrusts up experimentally as Kyuhyun seats himself fully - and OH MY GOD - Kyuhyun can't help the moan that falls from his lips. 

Kyuhyun wishes that they had tried this sooner. The new position is amazing, penetrating deeply with Zhou Mi's cock constantly rubbing over Kyuhyun's spot. It's SO GOOD. 

Kyuhyun isn't going to last long like this. He just needs a bit more - a bit further - he encourages Zhou Mi on with gasps of his name as he rocks down faster and faster - just a bit more ---

Suddenly, mid thrust, Zhou Mi stops. Kyuhyun lets out a protesting whine. 

"I… think I just sprained something." Zhou Mi moves experimentally and winces in pain. "Yup, definitely sprained." He pushes gently at Kyuhyun until he climbs off, and Zhou Mi moves to lie gingerly on the bed, flat on his back. "Owwwww." When Kyuhyun doesn't respond he lifts his head a little and peers at him. "Are you - are you jerking yourself off?"

Kyuhyun coughs and moves his hand away from his cock. It seemed like a good idea at the time - he was SO CLOSE to coming when Zhou Mi stopped and he just needed a few jerks to finish, but he can _kinda maybe_ see how it might seem a little unsympathetic. 

"No, of course not," he lies, feeling a bit forlorn as he looks down at his dick and watches his erection wilt. Sigh. "I'll go get you some ice for your back." 

 

*

**2: Have sex in a new place**

With tip 1 being unsuccessful, Kyuhyun moves down the list to the next one. 

Sex in a new place?

What kind of place? They already live together, and have (or used to have) sex regularly at home. And while Kyuhyun is trying to expand his sexual mindset, he doesn't think he's quite ready to have sex in public. (Not yet anyway.)

So where does that leave them? Work? Is he meant to jump Zhou Mi at the clinic? But that seems a bit full as well, and besides, Zhou Mi's back is still sore from the other night. Kyuhyun misses the days when it was easy, before Heechul said anything and made him doubt himself, when Zhou Mi would wake him up with morning blow jobs. 

Wait.

That's it! 

Kyuhyun could do that - not the waking up thing since he's never been a morning person - but he could manage a blow job at work. Everyone has that fantasy, right?

He waits until the end of the day and then makes his way to Zhou Mi's office. 

"Finished for the day?" he asks as he enters, closing the door behind him. Zhou Mi is at his desk, tapping his pen on his chin, deep in thought, but he brightens as Kyuhyun nears. He twists his chair to face him, and Kyuhyun takes the opportunity to slide sideways into his lap. Zhou Mi's arms automatically come up to wrap around Kyuhyun's waist, and he smiles up at him. 

"Hi!"

One of Zhou Mi's best qualities is his easy going nature, the way he just goes along with situations, even when they're a bit strange or unusual, so he doesn't ask any questions when Kyuhyun dips his head to kiss him. He just kisses him back, a happy murmur in the back of his throat. 

Zhou Mi still doesn't ask any questions when Kyuhyun decides that's enough, sliding off his lap to the floor, in between his legs. He gives him a questioning glance, but that's it, still doesn't ask when Kyuhyun nudges his knees further apart and lays his cheek on the inside of Zhou Mi's thigh. He turns his head and presses his lips to the seam, Zhou Mi spreading his legs further obligingly, and Kyuhyun is about to go further when suddenly the door is thrown open by Ryeowook.

"Mi, can I - ? Oh!" Ryeowook covers his eyes with his hand and backs out, but not before yelling, "No sex in the clinic!"

If Kyuhyun's head didn't hurt from throwing it back into the edge of the desk, he'd yell back that Ryeowook and Henry have probably already broken that rule (gross).

 

*

 

"Stop fussing," Kyuhyun grouses. He has his eyes closed because his head hurts, and Zhou Mi has him propped up in their bed, surrounded by pillows and blankets. 

"Okay, but don't sleep," Zhou Mi tells him, still playing nurse. "Remember what the doctor said." He pets Kyuhyun's hair anxiously. 

Kyuhyun doesn't end up blowing Zhou Mi at the office, but he DOES end up with a possible concussion. 

Excellent. 

 

*

 

**3: Try using toys or props together**

When Kyuhyun pulls up outside of the shop to park his car, he can see Henry raise his eyebrow from the corner of his eye. 

"When you said you needed a favour, I didn't realise it was THIS kind of favour." He grins slowly, joyously. "I can't believe you asked _me_. I'm SO flattered. I didn't realise we were friends like _this_." 

In exchange for this favour, Kyuhyun agreed to talk to Zhou Mi about taking Jax off Henry's hands. What Kyuhyun hadn't mentioned to Henry is that he's already found a new owner for Jax, but hey - what's a bit of deception. 

Because Kyuhyun really needs this favour and there's no one else who can help him.

Kyuhyun exits the car, and once they've entered the shop he tells Henry, "For one: we're not friends. And two: out of all the people I know, I felt like you'd be most comfortable in a place like this. That is - you're the most perverted." 

Henry opens his arms wide and does a slow twirl. "You're right, I AM a pervert and this is my element." 

They're in a sex shop, and the young female cashier behind the counter gives them a bored look. Henry gives her a wink and she rolls her eyes. He turns back to Kyuhyun and rubs his hands together gleefully. "Right, what can I help you with? What are you after?"

"I… don't know?" Kyuhyun's experience with sex toys is less than miniscule - it's non existent. "I've used warming lube before?"

Henry looks at him in silence for a moment before he breaks out into that awful grin again, the one that makes him look like a deranged pervert (well - MORE of a deranged pervert). "Grab a basket, my virgin friend! We're going shopping!" 

"A BASKET? How much are we buying??" Kyuhyun asks, but it's too late - Henry has disappeared down the aisle, flanked by shelves filled with unidentified silicone objects. 

 

*

 

The cashier pops her gum as she rings up his purchases. "Good selection," she comments. She holds up a glittery purple dildo that's about the length of her forearm. "I have one of these at home." She pops her gum again. "You might want to buy more lube though." 

Henry reaches to the shelf beside the counter where the lube is stored, gathering up a handful of tubes. "Good idea."

Kyuhyun is standing there, frozen like a statue. Henry nudges him. "Give her your credit card." 

"I don't know what to do with any of this," Kyuhyun says helplessly. 

Henry shrugs. "Don't worry, from the sounds of things, Zhou Mi will know." That gets him a glare from Kyuhyun. "What? He will!" 

Kyuhyun finally retrieves his credit card, doing his best not to choke on the total amount, and they leave the store with his purchases in several discrete paper bags. 

"Have fun boys!" the cashier shouts after them. 

 

*

 

Later, at home, Kyuhyun spreads all the items on the bed, feeling a touch overwhelmed. What on earth is he going to do with all of these toys? He doesn't even know what half of them are for. Kyuhyun holds up a short row of beads and wonders what exactly Henry has purchased. 

"Woof!" Hugo says from beside Kyuhyun. His eyes sparkle as he rests his head on the bed and Kyuhyun is suddenly concerned that he'll eat something. It would be very bad to have to explain to Zhou Mi that Hugo ate a vibrator. 

Kyuhyun pushes Hugo out of the bedroom and shuts the door. Now that he's finally alone, he chooses something for that evening, stashing the rest back into the bags and into the bottom of their closet. Zhou Mi should be home soon, so Kyuhyun has picked fur lined cuffs - pretty much the only thing that Kyuhyun recognises out of everything that Henry selected. Kyuhyun strips before climbing on to the bed. He lies back, and with some difficulty, cuffs both his wrists to the bed to wait. 

Kyuhyun's phone goes off with a notification, and if he wasn't cuffed to the bed he would be able to read it and discover that Zhou Mi is delayed in coming home… however, since he IS cuffed, he waits and waits and waits.

And waits.

An hour later, he's thirsty, hungry, cold AND pissed off. Where the fuck is his boyfriend? 

There's a round of barking from the living room and the door to the bedroom finally opens. 

"Hey Kyu - oh! Hello!" Zhou Mi shuts the door behind him, thankfully trapping the animals outside, and nears the bed. "What's this? What are you doing?" He tilts his head and looks quizzical. "Why are you cuffed to the bed? Is this a trap? Have we been robbed?" He starts looking around the bedroom and Kyuhyun wants to hit him. 

"We haven't been robbed! I thought this would be sexy!!" Kyuhyun yells in frustration. His bladder has made its presence known: HELLO KYU REMEMBER ME? REMEMBER THAT MASSIVE COFFEE YOU HAD EARLIER? BECAUSE I DO!! HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!!!!!!!! YOU NEED TO PEE RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW.

Zhou Mi blinks at him slowly. "It's sexier if you don't yell at me using your angry voice." 

"I've been waiting an hour! And I really need to pee so can you stop criticising and set me free?" 

"Okay, fine," Zhou Mi says, a bit huffy but at least he's in agreement. "Where are the keys?"

"...oh fuck."

 

*

 

Henry has his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking with laughter. Even Bueller, sitting on the counter, seems to be chittering in amusement. When Henry lifts his head up, his eyes are wet with tears. 

"It's not funny," Kyuhyun snaps. He's sure that somehow it was Henry's fault. "Do you know how many neighbours Zhou Mi had to ask before he found a pair of bolt cutters?" Building committee meetings would never be the same again. 

"I still think you should try the other toys," Henry says when he finally stops laughing, a good ten minutes later. "What about the -"

"No." They were staying at the bottom of the closet, never to see the light of day. Ever. 

"Well, can I have them if you're not going to use them?" 

Kyuhyun scowls at him and gives him a shove. "Buy your own, pervert."

 

*

 

**4: Roleplay**

Henry seems to have taken a particular interest in Kyuhyun's sexual conundrum because later, when Kyuhyun is in the breakroom, he's interrupted by a bag being thrown into his face.

"That's for you," Henry tells him. "My contribution to your sex life."

Kyuhyun opens the bag, pulling out a skimpy outfit. "Err," he says nervously. "What is this?"

"It's for you! For roleplay purposes."

Kyuhyun holds the outfit up. It's a French Maid costume - or at least, Kyuhyun _assumes_ that's what the tiny scrap of black material is supposed to be. "I don't know if Zhou Mi is going to be into this?"

Henry shrugs at him. "Ryeowook likes it." 

Kyuhyun drops the outfit as fast as he can, gagging a little. "IS THAT SECONDHAND?" He needs to sterilise his hands RIGHT NOW in addition to burning his brain to scour out the mental image. He leaps off the couch and runs to the sink, turning the hot water on full blast and scrubbing his skin frantically. 

"You're so fussy," Henry complains. "But since I'm such a good friend -"

"I don't consider you a friend -"

"I'll come with you to the sex shop to buy your own." 

And hence, for the second time in a week, they enter the sex shop together. The same cashier is behind the counter, and she greets them with an upwards nod of her head. "Hey, you're back." 

"Hiiiii," Henry drawls, wandering up to her and leaning on the counter. He gives her his most winning smile. 

Kyuhyun pulls Henry away from his pathetic attempts to flirt. "You have a boyfriend!" he hisses at him, and they head down the back where the outfits are displayed. Henry selects a few and then shoves Kyuhyun into the dressing room to try them on.

When the first one is on, Kyuhyun looks at himself in the mirror doubtfully. He turns around slowly, does another up and down glance, and shrieks when Henry pushes open the door. "Get out!" 

Henry takes one look at him and shakes his head. "Nope that one won't do. We want sexy, not…" he waves his hand up and down. "Whatever that is. Try the next one."

Henry seems to have picked out every outfit in the shop, because 20 mins later, some of the ones Kyuhyun has tried include: 

A schoolgirl outfit ("I… don't think Zhou Mi is into this…")

A cat outfit ("Henry, we're VETS. Zhou Mi DEFINITELY won't be into this."

A fireman outfit ("Hmm, Kyuhyun, that isn't going to work. It's impossible to imagine you as a fireman, they're meant to be hot.")

A cop outfit ("Cuffs didn't work out so well for me last time, remember?")

A doctor outfit ("Too close to being a vet, Henry. Too close.")

A plumber outfit ("Why are all the male outfits just basically jockstrings?")

A cowboy outfit ("These chaps are chaffing my ass.")

Finally, he decides he's had enough and just picks one. He heads to the counter, where Henry tries to make him buy more lube. Kyuhyun elbows him in the side, hard enough to make him wince in pain. "Stop it!" 

"So," the cashier says as she bags Kyuhyun's latest purchase. "Are you two together?" 

Kyuhyun gags at the mere thought. "No!" But then adds, when Henry raises his eyebrows at her lasciviously, "We have boyfriends. Separate boyfriends!" 

When they drive back to the clinic, Kyuhyun tells Henry, "You're so gross."

"I was just flirting," Henry says in self-defense. "It wasn't going to come to anything."

"You know that Ryeowook is my best friend, right?" 

Henry scoffs at him. "No he's not, Zhou Mi is your best friend."

"Wook has moved up since Zhou Mi became my boyfriend." 

"Wow," Henry replies, his tone exactly the same as Ryeowook's when Kyuhyun had this conversation with him the other week. "How flattering."

Kyuhyun drops Henry off at the clinic and drives home. He feeds the two cats, and sends Zhou Mi a message to check what time he'll be home. He's going to be prepared. Nothing will go wrong. 

Because tonight, Kyuhyun is getting laid! And it's going to be hot and kinky and Zhou Mi will love him forever and not break up with him for being too vanilla! Yes!

 _home in an hour_ reads Zhou Mi's text. _bit late, cleaning hugo. took him for a walk & he rolled in poop. he smells bad (✖╭╮✖)_

Well that gives Kyuhyun time to clean up a little, shower and change into his outfit. At the sex shop, Kyuhyun had decided on a sailor costume, which - admittedly - isn't much of a costume, but more teeny tiny practically see-through white shorts, a navy-blue necktie, and a white sailor hat. There's a LOT of skin on show. 

Zhou Mi is going to love it. Come what may, tonight he's getting laaaaaid!

Later, Kyuhyun is in the bedroom, having just changed, when he hears the front door open. 

"Kyu? I'm home," he can hear Zhou Mi shout. Kyuhyun takes one last look in the mirror and gives himself a mental pep talk. He can do this. He's hot, sexy, and kinky. Yes he is. 

"Kyuhyun?"

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath and heads out to the living room, saying in as sexy a voice as possible, "Welcome home, Captain."

"Kyu, Brad is ---- oh." 

He's greeted by the sight of Zhou Mi, looking rather surprised, as well as their neighbour from 6F, Brad. Their very heterosexual, straight laced, middle aged neighbour, the chair of their Building Committee meetings, who is staring at him with his mouth wide open. 

"Um," Zhou Mi says, eyes big, and voice a bit broken. "I was just going to give Brad back his bolt cutters." 

Kyuhyun takes a deep swallow. He pretends that everything is in order and that he's not currently dressed in the tiniest shorts ever manufactured. "I'll get them," he says calmly, turning on his heel to walk back into the bedroom. He locates the bolt cutters - on the floor next to the bed where they'd left them the other night - and sticks his arm out the bedroom door, keeping his body inside. 

"Here."

Zhou Mi takes them and Kyuhyun can hear him having a murmured conversation with Brad before the front door opens and closes. Zhou Mi knocks on the bedroom door before entering, even though it's open.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Kyuhyun shouts to him. After he handed over the bolt cutters he immediately flopped face first on the bed. Maybe if he doesn't think about it, he can pretend it never happened. 

The bed dips as Zhou Mi takes a seat. He runs a hand down Kyuhyun's back. 

"It's not that bad," he says soothingly.

"Don't lie!"

"He'll forget about it in a couple of days."

"Stop lying!" 

"Yeah, he'll probably picture you in it every time he sees you," Zhou Mi agrees. "But what a great mental image." He gropes Kyuhyun's butt. "I like this outfit. Did you get it for me?" He presses his lips to the back of Kyuhyun's neck, tracing a path down his spine, and despite Kyuhyun's prior humiliation he can feel himself responding under the press of Zhou Mi's mouth and the kneading of his hands. 

"Gurgggh."

"Did you call me Captain before?" Zhou Mi queries, having lowered himself on top of Kyuhyun so his chest is pressed to Kyuhyun's back, breath warm against Kyuhyun's neck. Kyuhyun flushes again, but this time he's not sure that the rising heat is from embarrassment. 

"Yes…" Kyuhyun half moans as Zhou Mi sucks his ear lobe into his mouth. 

"Try calling me Captain again." 

"Captain? ------ oh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh."

 

*

 

The next day, Kyuhyun is in the BEST MOOD EVER. Everything is amazing. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Hugo went a whole night without destroying something in their apartment, and even Kyuhyun's clients have been well behaved. And! Yeah! He got laid!

Kyuhyun is so happy that he swans around the clinic whistling to himself. He decides that a cup of tea is in order - no doubt his amazing, sexy, gorgeous boyfriend could use a cup as well, so he heads to the break room and turns the kettle on.

"Kyuhyun!! Crisis!!" 

Kyuhyun ignores Henry's anguished yells, still whistling to himself happily as he stands at the bench waiting for the water to boil.

"KYUHYUN. There is a MAJOR MAJOR problem."

"I'm not interested in your drama," Kyuhyun says calmly, pouring water into two mugs. "I'm making tea."

Henry stalks over, grabbing Kyuhyun's wrists and forcing him to turn and face him. "You'll be interested in this. Because it'll affect Zhou Mi." 

Okay, that successfully gets Kyuhyun's attention. "What?"

"You know how it's quite hot today…" Henry begins. "So I left the front door open for a bit - to get some air, you know?"

Kyuhyun is quite aware of how airflow works, so he waves a hand to get Henry to hurry up.

"Well, I might've left the counter unattended for a few minutes while I went to pee, and," Henry looks really guilty, "I might've lost Bueller." 

Kyuhyun doesn't speak. He just stares at him for a while, for so long that Henry starts to shrink under his gaze. "You _might've_?" he says evenly. 

"If you define 'lost' as: I can't find him right now, then yes - I've lost him."

Kyuhyun's day has suddenly gone to shit. While Zhou Mi isn't as attached to Bueller as he was to Dr Fritz, he still loves the little rodent. And if Bueller is permanently lost, he's going to be devastated, and there is nothing worse than a sad Zhou Mi. 

And, the part of Kyuhyun's brain that focuses on _other_ things, feels the need to remind him that they've just got their sex life back on track. This could ruin everything!

"Fine, I'll help you find him," Kyuhyun says. "But let's keep his disappearance between us for now." 

"Really? You're not going to tell Zhou Mi?"

"No, no telling Zhou Mi!" 

"Tell me what?" Zhou Mi asks from the doorway, looking puzzled. 

Henry stares at him, Kyuhyun stares at him, Henry and Kyuhyun stare at each other, until Kyuhyun says hastily. "Nothing. Henry's just going through a personal crisis." In an effort to change the topic, he picks up the two mugs and walks over to Zhou Mi. "I made you tea." 

Zhou Mi takes it but says to Henry, "Is everything okay? Maybe I can help with your problem? You know you can rely on me, right?" 

Henry looks like he's about to tell Zhou Mi the truth, so Kyuhyun blurts out, "It's a _personal_ problem, something he doesn't want to talk to his cousin about." Henry glares at Kyuhyun, knowing exactly what he's implying, but thankfully he keeps his mouth shut. 

Kyuhyun shepherds Zhou Mi out of the break room, turning to mouth at Henry on their way out, "FIND BUELLER."

 

*

 

"Any luck?"

Henry shakes his head. "None. I've looked everywhere." 

"In the cupboards?"

"Yes."

"Behind all the chairs?"

"Yes."

"Behind the scales?"

"Yes! Everywhere!" Henry looks glum. "I even walked down the street and called his name. Stupid ferret." Kyuhyun can see the thoughts flashing through his face. "Hey… what if we just got a new one? We could just replace him."

Kyuhyun is about to tell him that it's a stupid idea, but then he thinks about it again. Desperate times call for desperate measures. "Maybe… what colour was Bueller again?" 

"Umm, black and white?" Henry grabs his computer mouse and starts clicking away. "I'm pretty sure Zhou Mi put some photos of him on our website." He searches for a bit then exclaims, "Aha! Here we go." Kyuhyun moves to look at the screen and their faces fall at the same time. 

While Bueller is a common enough colour, he has a distinctive blaze marking - a long white blaze of fur that runs down the middle of his head to his shoulders, along with white mitts on two of his four paws. It's highly doubtful that they'll be able to find a ferret with similar enough markings to fool Zhou Mi. 

"Keep looking," Kyuhyun suggests. "He's bound to be around here somewhere. Or maybe someone will hand him in?" Bueller has a collar and a tag with the Shelter's name and contact number, so if someone finds him on the street they would hopefully know to bring him back. 

Henry sags in his chair. 

"I'll have a look out back," Kyuhyun tells him. "Maybe he got through the back door when you went to the toilet." 

Kyuhyun heads to the back of the shelter, peering into each room as he passes. He checks the store room, where they keep their supplies, and even unlocks the medicine cupboard to be sure, even though it's very unlikely that Bueller could have snuck in there. 

He inspects his consulting room, checking all the corners and cupboards. He keeps his room fairly clear of clutter - they all do because it makes for easier disinfecting - so it only takes a quick look to know that Bueller isn't in there. 

He loiters outside Ryeowook's room, waiting for Ryeowook to finish with a customer. When it's clear, Kyuhyun ducks in and has a desperate search.

Nothing. 

He even looks in the break room and the toilets, but there's no sign of Bueller. He doesn't seem to be anywhere. 

Kyuhyun heart sinks as he realises they need to tell Zhou Mi. 

 

*

 

Kyuhyun grabs Henry's arm and forcibly pushes him down the corridor. "You! Are! Going! To! Tell! Him!" 

Henry whines, trying to resist but fortunately Kyuhyun is stronger than him, and soon they find themselves outside of Zhou Mi's consultation room. They're both red faced and panting but Kyuhyun doesn't give either of them a chance to catch their breaths. He raps on the door and opens it, forcing Henry inside. 

"Hi?" 

"Henry has something to tell you!" Kyuhyun says, breathing heavily, a bead of sweat dripping down his cheek. 

"No I don't!" Henry protests. He tries to leave but Kyuhyun has plastered himself to the door and there's no escape. 

"Yes you do!"

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!" 

Henry and Kyuhyun are so busy shouting at one another that they don't notice Zhou Mi coming over until he pulls them apart by their collars like they're overgrown children. "What's happened? Why are you yelling at one another?" 

Henry crosses his arms and pouts, shuffling his feet and staring at the floor. Kyuhyun glares at him and nudges him. "Tell him."

Finally Henry gives in. "You know how it's quite warm today, and so I -"

He's about to continue when Kyuhyun sees the pocket on Zhou Mi's white coat wriggle as Bueller sticks his head out. He slaps a hand over Henry's mouth. 

"Henry has a rash and needs to go home early!" he quickly says before reaching for the ferret. "Hey little guy, what are you doing there?" Bueller lets himself be pulled out of the pocket, and Kyuhyun places him on his shoulder, giving him a little stroke. 

"The front door was open earlier, so I took him so he wouldn't get lost," Zhou Mi explains. Then to Henry he says, "No wonder you've been acting so weird today. Go home and take care of your rash." He wrinkles his nose in distaste. 

Kyuhyun can see that Henry is torn between killing him, and being thankful that Kyuhyun saw Bueller before he could spit out the truth. Henry snatches Bueller from his hands, gives Kyuhyun a ball shrivelling glare, and stalks out. 

 

*

 

" _ **Cho Kyuhyun**_."

Uh oh. That tone coming from Ryeowook is never a good sign. It's like being scolded by his mother. Kyuhyun spins around and gives his (newly promoted) best friend his most innocent smile. "Yes?"

"Why does Zhou Mi think that Henry has an STD and is therefore cheating on me? And that you know the whole story?" 

Oh no. Kyuhyun tries for even more innocent. "It's just a big misunderstanding?"

Ryeowook has his arms crossed and is glaring at him, foot tapping angrily. "I'm listening." 

"Henry lost Bueller but we didn't want to tell Zhou Mi because then he'll be all sad and upset and you know how awful it is when he's sad but then I found Bueller just as we were going to tell him the truth so I said Henry had a rash instead!" Kyuhyun blurts without pausing for breath.

"Oh. Is that all? Okay."

Kyuhyun, already flinching because he was expecting to be hit, blinks at him. "Okay?"

"No, you dumbass!" Ryeowook leans forward and whacks him on the arm. "Why didn't you just tell Zhou Mi the truth? He thinks Henry has an STD!"

In Kyuhyun's defense, he had never implied Henry had an STD - just a rash. It's not HIS fault that Zhou Mi just assumed. He tries to tell Ryeowook this and gets whacked again. He pouts, rubbing his arm. 

"Tell him the truth," Ryeowook threatens, in a way that says _if you don't, I'll cut your balls off_. "And while you're at it - _please_ just talk to him about your sexual insecurities. It's making you act crazy. And I'm saying this as your best friend." 

"I don't have sexual insecurities!" Kyuhyun yells after him as he leaves. He doesn't. _Really_. "Also I thought you said you weren't my best friend!"

 

*

 

Kyuhyun attaches Hugo's leash to his collar and pushes open the door to the run with his shoulder. "Let's go!" Hugo barks happily and trots out behind him. They walk down the corridor to Zhou Mi's office.

"Ready to go home?" Kyuhyun asks his boyfriend, who's already packing up his stuff and turning off his computer. Zhou Mi takes his coat off and hangs it up behind the door, following him out. 

"By the way," Kyuhyun says casually as Zhou Mi locks the shelter door. "Henry doesn't have an STD." He kicks out his leg to gently dislodge Hugo's teeth from his pants. "It's just a misunderstanding." 

"Oh? Oh." Zhou Mi takes Hugo's leash. "I'm really glad to hear that!" They're taking Hugo for a quick walk before heading home. There's a dog park not far from the shelter, and they head in that direction. "You and Henry seem close lately?" 

"Henry and I? Close?" Kyuhyun scoffs. "I wouldn't go that far." Hugo has stopped to chew on a patch of grass and they wait until he's finished. It's one of the few things they're happy for him to eat. Suitably satisfied (and after a quick lift of his leg to mark his spot) he's ready to move on. 

"You seem to be hanging out alot." 

Kyuhyun shouldn't be surprised that Zhou Mi has noticed. While he can be oblivious about many things (possibly purposefully so), he's annoyingly observant about others. But with Kyuhyun and Henry only being "close" because of the whole spicing up Kyuhyun's sex life, he can't exactly tell Zhou Mi the truth. 

"Not really," Kyuhyun lies. 

They've arrived at the dog park and Zhou Mi reaches down to unclip Hugo's leash. There's a couple of other dogs running around and Hugo races towards them. He's well socialised towards other dogs, so they just keep an eye out from a distance. 

Zhou Mi winds an arm around Kyuhyun's shoulders and draws him in. 

"You know you can talk to me, right?" Zhou Mi suddenly says out of the blue. When Kyuhyun looks up at him, he's watching Hugo run around, playing chase with a fat little corgi. The corgi suddenly gives up and Hugo practically barrels into him, swerving at the last second and going tumbling across the grass. 

"Yeah, of course!" 

Zhou Mi seems about to say something else when they're interrupted by Hugo running up to them, a tree branch about half his body length in his mouth. Hugo drops it at their feet and wags his tail while they both look down at it in confusion - there aren't any trees in or around the park. 

"Where...?"

Hugo barks at them, dipping the front part of his body down to the ground and sticking his butt in the air. "Woof woof!"

He's never been particularly good at playing fetch. They stopped trying after they figured out that all he wanted to do was eat any balls they threw for him. But Zhou Mi reaches down and hefts the branch, tossing it a short distance. Hugo takes off after it and, true to form, rather than bringing it back, settles on his haunches and starts to gnaw on it like a bone.

"I thought German Shepherds were meant to be smart," Kyuhyun remarks with a shake of his head. Zhou Mi is watching the dog with soft, amused eyes.

"He's smart in his own way." They watch as Hugo gives up on the branch and flops on to his back, paws in the air, where he proceeds to make motions like he's running through the air. "Smart-ish." Hugo barks at his feet, like he doesn't recognise them. "For a dog."

"Not even for a dog." 

"But look at his cute face! Who needs to be smart when you're cute like that." 

"I don't know how you manage to find something positive to say about every single pet that comes through the shelter," Kyuhyun tells him, linking his arm through Zhou Mi's.

"It's a talent, I'm very talented," Zhou Mi agrees, leaning over to give him a quick peck on the cheek. "Should we go?" He whistles for Hugo and the dog comes bounding over. 

They head home together, and Kyuhyun thinks that perhaps tonight might be a repeat of yesterday's amazing fantastic hot sexy time. He's even considering wearing the sailor shorts again. 

Until they reach the apartment and Hugo barfs up a ball of leaves and tree bark. 

Maybe not. 

 

*

 

**5: Sext with your lover**

"What's that?" Kyuhyun asks in confusion. He's just walked into the clinic, tray of coffees in his hand, when Henry mentioned something as he entered. 

Henry doesn't look up from his phone. "It's when you send someone dirty texts or pictures. Sex. Text. Sext."

Bueller chirps, paws stroking through Henry's hair from where he's sitting on Henry's shoulder. Ever since the day Henry thought he'd lost him, the two have become surprisingly attached. Before that, Henry had treated him like a part of the furniture, but now - he seems to actually like the rodent. Or he's scared of losing him again.

Probably the latter, knowing Henry. 

"People do that?" 

Henry scoffs, finally setting his phone aside. "Yes, gramps, they do. All those grandpa sweaters are making you act older than your age." 

Henry's phone pings with a notification and he grins slyly as he reads it. Kyuhyun comes to a realisation. 

"Ewww. Gross." He backs away from the counter, leaving Henry to his pervertedness, and heads out the back to deliver Zhou Mi's coffee. 

When he sees Zhou Mi, he's looking unusually stressed, head down on his desk. Kyuhyun places the coffees down to free up his hands so he can rub the back of Zhou Mi's neck. 

"Hey. What happened? I bought coffee."

"Coffee!" Zhou Mi's head snaps up and he grabs his one with both hands. "Have I ever told you I love you?" 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Kyuhyun sits on one of the spare chairs. "Now tell me, what's wrong?" 

"Our permit is delayed." Zhou Mi pouts at him over his cup. "They want more information - building specs or something, I don't know, it's all stuff stuff stuff. Blah blah blah." 

Kyuhyun had already suspected this to be the case, since a month had passed by a couple of days ago. 

Zhou Mi's optimistic nature means that he always underestimates how long things will take. When they'd first had the idea to open the animal shelter, Zhou Mi thought that it would only take a month to get up and running, when in fact the entire process took 8 months. Zhou Mi had been unbearable near the end of it - oscillating wildly between fluffy rainbow sunshine Mi who believed with all his heart that opening was _just around the corner!!!_ to sad rainclouds emo dark Zhou Mi who thought that it would never happen. 

It's fortunate that Kyuhyun knows, from all their years of friendship, exactly how to deal with this type of situation: take his mind off it. Zhou Mi needs constant distraction. As soon as he's left to dwell, he'll head into a great slump for a couple of days, before rebounding upwards as he turns positive positive positive !!! doing his best to spread love and joy and happiness everywhere. Sometimes literally. He has been known to wander into the clinic throwing glitter to "make the place sparkle!" during one of his Up moods. And then he crashes again, back into Down, and the entire universe weeps tears of pain. 

The Up / Down cycle continues until the problem that's bothering Zhou Mi is resolved. Previous cycles have already taken years off Kyuhyun's life - he can't cope with more. 

By the time Kyuhyun heads back to his own office, he manages to set Zhou Mi's mood on a more even keel. He starts to prepare for his next customer, and before they arrive, he decides he'll try out this sexting thing that Henry mentioned. It could kill two birds with one stone - distract Zhou Mi PLUS spice up their sex life (which, sadly, has gone quiet again after that one great evening).

He types out a quick message and sends it off, just as he gets a notification popping up on the clinic's IM program to say that his customer has arrived. The consultation is quick - it's just one of his regulars, getting her cat's yearly vaccination - and after she leaves Kyuhyun picks up his phone to see if Zhou Mi has responded. 

He has, with: _i already know what you're wearing ? i saw it earlier?_

Hmm. Maybe Kyuhyun's first message was too subtle. He tries another one. 

Zhou Mi's response: _i haven't been working out more than usual but thanks?_

Right this is getting ridiculous. He obviously needs to be more direct. Kyuhyun recalls that Henry mentioned that people sometimes sent photos. Maybe he should pose for a hot photo? He double checks his schedule to make sure that he doesn't have another customer due, and it looks free for 30 minutes. 

Kyuhyun has to admit that he doesn't really know what he's doing. What kind of photos do people send? Would Zhou Mi even appreciate a photo of him? It's not like Kyuhyun has the best body in the world - he thinks it's okay, and Zhou Mi doesn't have any complaints, but he's hardly an underwear model. Kyuhyun pulls his top up and sucks in his stomach as he holds his phone out awkwardly, trying to snap a shot. He takes a couple but they're blurry, so he tries again. 

He's interrupted by Ryeowook throwing open the door. 

"Ahhhh..." 

Kyuhyun slowly lowers his shirt back over his body, his face bright red. Someday he needs to teach Ryeowook how to knock. "Hi?"

"I was just wondering if you had seen my stethoscope, but you're obviously busy…" Ryeowook turns to leave, but before he goes, he has one piece of advice. "Go to the bathroom and use the mirror to take your shot. By the way, if you're taking a dick pic, don't include your face."

Kyuhyun pats his cheeks, trying to calm his blush. A dick pic? Is that what people do? His cheeks redden even further at the thought of sending one of those to Zhou Mi. He's definitely not ready for that. 

Actually, now that he's tried it out, he's not sure that sexting is really his thing. He doesn't have to do _all_ the tips, he reassures himself. He'll just skip this one. 

 

*

 

**6: Record it. Make a _movie_.**

Kyuhyun looks at the next tip. 

Record it? As in - record them… having… sex? 

Errrrr. 

How is he even meant to broach that? Is he meant to just blurt it out over breakfast? _"Hey Mi, let's make a sex tape!"_

Kyuhyun decides he can skip this one too.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun arrives home to find Zhou Mi sitting on the floor, rows of what looks like paint sample cards spread out in front of him. Hugo is sprawled next to him. His ears twitch and he lifts his head when Kyuhyun approaches, giving out a short greeting bark.

"Kyu! What colour do you think is best?"

All the cards are coloured in bright candy tones. Kyuhyun looks at them for a moment before saying, "The blue." 

Hugo barks and places his paw on the bright pink card. 

"Blue? Really?" Hugo barks again. "Hugo likes the pink." Hugo's tail wags and Zhou Mi picks up the two cards, holding them side by side. 

"Wait - what is this for?"

Zhou Mi looks up and gives him a sweet smile. "Don't you think the clinic is looking a bit dull?"

Kyuhyun disagrees - the clinic doesn't look dull. It looks like a clinic - like a professional workplace, where people bring their pets for professional veterinary services. **Professional.**

"I thought it could use some brightening up," Zhou Mi continues, ignoring him.

Oh no. Kyuhyun knows what this is about.

"How's the permit going? he asks gently. 

Zhou Mi shrugs. "Don't know. But it's okay! Good things take time! Patience is a virtue! Time waits for no man!"

"I don't think the last one fits," Kyuhyun tells him kindly, reaching down to pluck the cards out of his hands. "No painting the clinic." 

Zhou Mi pouts up at him. "Streamers?" Then he huffs to himself, gathering up all the paint cards. "The shelter has been so dull and quiet since we had to close the new addition. We need to do _something_ and you won't let me buy glitter anymore."

Kyuhyun had banned glitter years ago - and considering they were still finding glitter to this day, Kyuhyun feels justified in upholding the ban. 

What Zhou Mi said about the shelter being quiet is true though. They're not getting as many visitors, resulting in less adoptions, and therefore Hugo, Bacon and Flossy are still living with them. 

"Maybe you need to think more creatively," Kyuhyun suggests. Zhou Mi needs a project to distract himself - something that doesn't involve paint or glitter or confetti - and suddenly Kyuhyun thinks of something: make a movie.

While a sex tape wasn't right for them (or the shelter), perhaps the gist of the idea itself...

"Why don't you do a video project? You could post some short videos to our Youtube channel." Henry had set one up when he started but they hadn't uploaded anything yet. "You could share behind the scenes of the shelter or videos of the animals up for adoption?"

Zhou Mi's eyes sparkle. "The internet loves cat videos!!!" He scrambles to his feet, paint cards forgotten. 

 

*

 

A day later, Zhou Mi flops himself over Kyuhyun's shoulders from behind, phone in one hand which he thrusts in front of Kyuhyun's face. 

"Look!" he says proudly, scrolling through the videos in his library until he selects one to play. The screen shows a recording of the shelter - artfully edited scenes: Henry looking up from his desk and grinning, a close up of Bueller, a wave from Ryeowook as he exits one of the cat runs, a shot of Kyuhyun at his desk chewing on a pen, and then numerous images of the shelter animals. The last scene is one of Zhou Mi's beaming face doing the thumbs up. 

"Do you like it? I'm going to ask Henry to post it tomorrow."

"It's good," Kyuhyun says but he's more interested in some of the other videos he noticed when Zhou Mi was scrolling. He brings a hand up to tap on Zhou Mi's phone. "What's that one?" 

"Oh that!" Zhou Mi plays the video - it's a movie of him at the gym: doing weights, pull ups, and then a final shot of him with his shirt lifted up to show off his chest and abs. Kyuhyun gulps a little. Zhou Mi is shameless, proud of his body, and he'd happily wander around naked if Kyuhyun let him, so of course Kyuhyun has seen it all before. But somehow seeing it in a video made it more… interesting? Hot? Kind of… _sexy_? 

"It's to record my progress at the gym," Zhou Mi tells him, humming happily from behind Kyuhyun. "I have lots!" His arms tighten around Kyuhyun as he shows him all the gym videos in his library. He's right - there are a lot. Of course there are: Zhou Mi is a vain little duck who loves the camera. 

"Mhmmmm." Kyuhyun reaches up to squeeze Zhou Mi's bicep and thinks that perhaps there's something in this movie thing after all. Maybe he's not quite ready to make a sex tape with Zhou Mi, but he might just steal some of those videos from him later. 

For research purposes of course. 

 

*

 

Hugo whines mournfully, and Zhou Mi pets him on the head affectionately. "What's the matter, Hugo Wugo?" Hugo lets out another high pitched pathetic whine and drops his head between his paws. 

Bacon saunters over and swipes his muzzle with sheathed claws. Normally Hugo and Bacon love to terrorize one another, chasing each other around the apartment until either they're dead tired from the exertion or Kyuhyun has had enough and locks Hugo in the bathroom for some peace and quiet. This time though, Hugo doesn't respond. 

"Uh oh."

Kyuhyun looks up from his breakfast. "What?"

"I think Hugo's sick." 

Hugo simpers sadly, ears set forward. Bacon, unused to being ignored, climbs on top of Hugo's head and sits there like a king, calmly licking a paw. Hugo doesn't react at all - he's definitely ill. 

"I'll check him out when I get to work," Kyuhyun promises. Zhou Mi has a meeting that morning to check on the progress of their permit. 

When Kyuhyun and Hugo arrive at the clinic, Kyuhyun grabs his stethoscope and listens to Hugo's lungs and heart. He also takes his temperature - it's elevated and high enough to be concerning. Hugo yodels in pain when Kyuhyun runs his hands along his side in a general examination. 

"You ate something you weren't meant to, didn't you?" Kyuhyun tsks at him, but Hugo is looking so pathetic that he actually feels sorry for him. "Right, let's give you an x-ray." 

Ryeowook has a cancelled appointment, and joins Kyuhyun after the x-rays have been processed. Kyuhyun sticks them to the lightbox and they both inspect the images in confusion. There's definitely an object in Hugo's stomach, and Kyuhyun chews on his lip as he tries to figure out what it is. The object is flange shaped, with a thinner middle section that tapers in before widening to a flat base. 

He comes to a horrifying realisation just as Ryeowook blurts out, "Wow that looks just like a butt plug."

 

*

 

"Where's Hugo?" is the first question Zhou Mi asks when he bumps into Kyuhyun in the corridor. Kyuhyun is in his scrubs, ready for surgery. "Is he okay?"

"He's… umm… resting." 

Zhou narrows his eyes at him and looks at his scrubs. "I didn't realise you had a surgery scheduled today." 

"It's an emergency one," Kyuhyun says evasively. "Anyway! I better go! Love you bye!" He hurries into their surgery room, where Ryeowook has already got Hugo sedated and ready to be operated on. 

"Right, let's make this quick," Kyuhyun says, reaching for a scalpel. _Before Zhou Mi finds out._

 

*

 

Ryeowook tilts the dish holding the extracted butt plug from side to side as Kyuhyun ties off the last stitch. It's gross and covered in stomach juices. 

"You know you're going to have to tell Zhou Mi, right?" 

Nope. Kyuhyun isn't going to tell him anything. His boyfriend doesn't need to know that Hugo, their foster dog, found and ate a butt plug that Kyuhyun had purchased with the intention of spicing up their sex life. He doesn't need to know at all. 

"He's going to ask where Hugo is." 

Kyuhyun sets his scissors down on the trolley, and indicates that Ryeowook can remove Hugo's anesthesia tube. "I'm going to tell him that Hugo ate a sock," he says decisively.

Kyuhyun cleans himself up as Ryeowook wheels Hugo through to the recovery room. He'll be sluggish and dopey for hours and will have to stay at the clinic overnight, but the surgery went well without complications. Kyuhyun goes to check on him once everything is tidied up, and he finds Zhou Mi there, cooing gently at the dog.

"What happened?" Zhou Mi asks as soon as Kyuhyun walks in. Hugo seems to have just woken up, and he lets out a snuffly whine. "You operated on him?"

"He ate a sock," Kyuhyun explains, giving Hugo's ears a gentle stroke. 

"A sock?" Zhou Mi's forehead furrows. "Where did he get a sock from? I always make sure our laundry is put away." 

"Not sure," Kyuhyun lies. "Maybe the dresser drawer was open and he managed to pull one out." 

"Poor Hugo." He does look very pitiful. They'd had to shave him for the surgery, so now he has a large bald patch on his stomach, as well as a neat line of stitches. He's still completely groggy, eyes glazed and drooling as he lies slumped in the dog bed. "I feel awful," Zhou Mi says, looking incredibly upset, "It was probably my fault for leaving the drawer open. How could I?" 

Oh no. Kyuhyun does his best to ignore his rising guilt. "It's okay - it's not your fault," he tells Zhou Mi weakly. "He'll be fine." 

 

* 

 

Zhou Mi feels so guilty that Kyuhyun doesn't get any that night either.

 

*

 

**7: Strip for him**

Kyuhyun has a lot of talents. He knows this. He's pretty confident in the fact that generally, he's a great guy. 

He's intelligent. Quick witted. Occasionally charming. He's a fantastic vet. He has great reflexes honed from years of gaming. He's a loving son and brother. He's good with remembering dates. And people have told him that he has a wonderful singing voice. 

But there's one thing that he's terrible at: dancing. 

And admittedly, stripping isn't really _dancing_ persay, but there's a dancing element to it, otherwise it's just taking your clothes off - right? 

Kyuhyun hates himself a little, but he needs Henry's help again.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun hands Henry a tissue to wipe his face after he's finally stopped laughing. "Okay, okay, I'll help," Henry tells him, hiccuping slightly with the remnants of his laughing fit. They make plans for Henry to come over to Kyuhyun's apartment after work to give him some pointers. Zhou Mi is doing the late shift so they'll have the place to themselves for a while. 

After work, Henry follows Kyuhyun home, where they bicker for a while as Henry demands snacks and Kyuhyun demands that he stop being a little shit. Finally, Kyuhyun gives him something to shut him up and Henry plonks himself down in a chair and points at Kyuhyun. 

"Show me what you've got," he mumbles around a mouth full of food. 

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Kyuhyun scowls. Henry just rolls his eyes and does a _'get on with it'_ gesture. 

Right. Stripping. Everything that Kyuhyun knows about stripping comes from movies and one seedy night at a dodgy strip club (that he tries to forget), which is to say - he knows very little. But he knows there should be music. He looks through the music available on his phone and fails to find anything strip worthy (he doesn't think anyone has ever tried to strip to a ballad before). 

Henry wipes his hands on the couch and pulls out his own phone. "Here, try this." He puts on a song with a strong beat that Kyuhyun doesn't recognise. "Okay - go." 

To say that Kyuhyun feels awkward is a super understatement. He doesn't know where to start! He stands there, feeling like a lump, like the unsexiest, most awkward lump that ever existed. "I can't," he confesses. "I have no idea what to do." 

"Think sexy," Henry suggests.

"I can't think sexy when I'm standing in front of you," Kyuhyun hisses at him, not at all grateful for Henry's advice. 

Henry rolls his eyes at him again and stands up, brushing off his hands and placing his phone on the coffee table. "Okay, mimic me. Let's try some basic moves." He starts by swaying his hips from side to side, in time to the beat of the song, getting into the music. Kyuhyun does his best to copy Henry, who has upgraded to doing body rolls, and is running a hand up and down his torso suggestively. 

"Stop, stop, stop!" Kyuhyun shouts when Henry moves to lift his shirt. "I think I get the idea." The last thing he wants is for Henry to remove his clothing - that's something he'll never be able to forget. 

"I'm starting to think that you don't appreciate me or my talents," Henry tells him, although he doesn't seem at all offended. "You need more help than I can give - have you ever thought about lessons?" 

 

*

 

And that's how Kyuhyun ends up in a pole dancing class, surrounded by women who are giving him curious side glances. He had been told to wear something comfortable and not too loose, and he tugs at his shorts, feeling awkward. 

"Welcome to all my new students!" the perky young instructor says when she enters. She does a visible double take when she notices Kyuhyun but keeps smiling. "Hello! I don't get many men in my classes, but welcome!"

Kyuhyun is the colour of beetroot right now, and internally he's cursing Henry again who'd been the one to set the whole thing up. 

_("I've booked you in for classes - 6pm tonight. Here's the location. Enjoy!")_

Class starts with the instructor doing a demonstration and holy crap, she's good. Kyuhyun forgets about his embarrassment as he watches her defy gravity around the pole in the middle of the room. Could he really learn to do that?

A bit later, he learns the answer to that question: 

No.

Class has ended and everyone has left, except for Kyuhyun and the instructor. Kyuhyun is sitting on the floor while the instructor crouches next to him, holding an ice pack to his forehead. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asks in concern. "I've never had anyone fall off the pole on to their face before." 

Kyuhyun waves a hand at her. "I'm fine." There's birds and pretty colours floating around in his vision but he's _just fine_.

"Can I call someone for you? I don't think you should drive in this state." 

 

*

 

By the time Henry picks him up, the pretty colours have faded from his vision but have bloomed on his forehead. Henry, to his credit, doesn't laugh and even helps him from the car up to his apartment. Not only does Kyuhyun have an awful bruise, but all his muscles ache from his brief foray on the pole. 

Henry takes the keys from Kyuhyun's pocket and they can hear Hugo barking inside as he inserts it into the lock. Which means Zhou Mi is home and Kyuhyun has about 5 seconds to think of a convincing excuse. 

Zhou Mi runs over as soon as they make it inside, concern written all over him. "What happened? Are you okay?" He carefully takes Henry's place and helps Kyuhyun to the couch. "What happened?" 

"Ummm." Henry looks at Kyuhyun who looks at Henry who looks at Kyuhyun. "He… fell over."

Zhou Mi's forehead creases. "Fell over? Where?" 

"At… the… ummm… hey! Look at the time, I need to go." Henry, subtle as always, makes his exit, practically tripping over Hugo in his haste to leave. 

"Do you need some ice for your head?" Zhou Mi fusses at Kyuhyun, fluffing up the cushions to make him more comfortable and removing his shoes. "How did you manage to fall? And why didn't you call me?" 

Kyuhyun lies and tells Zhou Mi that he was helping Henry with a project for Ryeowook, and that he'd just tripped as they walked to the car. He feels bad for lying to him, and he's not sure that Zhou Mi believes him, but he stops asking questions when Kyuhyun winces as Zhou Mi presses a bag of frozen vegetables to his head. 

Zhou Mi treats him like he's made of glass for the rest of the night - and actually, for several nights afterwards, even after Kyuhyun's face goes back to normal and he's actually definitely absolutely fine. Kyuhyun wouldn't normally complain about being pampered, except - in Zhou Mi's world, part of treating Kyuhyun like he's an invalid means no sex, despite Kyuhyun's best attempts to seduce him. 

Fuck.

Or no fuck, to be more accurate.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun can't take this any longer. He convenes a crisis meeting.

He offers to walk Hugo at the end of the day, dragging both Ryeowook and Henry along. They're currently standing in the middle of the dog park while Hugo runs rings around them, yapping with joy. 

"- and I'm still not getting any!" Kyuhyun finishes, frustrated, tired, and really really horny. 

Ryeowook stares at him, hands deep in his pockets. "My advice - that I gave you right from the start - still stands. TALK TO HIM." 

The truth is, Kyuhyun knows that's what he should do. But what if he brings it up - that he's too vanilla - and Zhou Mi agrees? Kyuhyun doesn't think he can cope with having his insecurity confirmed. 

He'd never told Zhou Mi this, but Kyuhyun's first boyfriend - back in his last year of high school - had dumped him not long after they started having sex. He'd been Kyuhyun's first, and he was so much more experienced in many ways - older, more worldly - he'd been so _cool_. And while his excuse for the break up was _"We're at different stages in our life,"_ Kyuhyun knew the real reason. 

Ryeowook is still ranting. "I can't believe you've listened to Henry of all people." He leans into Henry's side, giving him a sweet smile," Sorry sweetheart, you're the last person I'd take advice from." 

Henry shrugs and nods, in total agreement. "I wouldn't listen to a thing I say either," he says cheerfully. "But it's been fun - hasn't it, Kyuhyun?"

Fun? FUN???? Fun is not the word he would use to describe the events of the past six weeks. Kyuhyun has spent hundreds of dollars, ended up humiliated in front of his neighbours, has almost gotten a concussion twice, and has had to surgically remove a BUTTPLUG from Hugo. And for what? He's still not getting laid!!! 

Henry pets him condescendingly. "I'm sensing some tension. Have you ever tried meditation?" 

Ryeowook adds, "My second piece of advice: stop taking life advice from trashy magazines!" 

"But it worked the first time!"

"No dumbass, it didn't. What worked the first time was you manning up and telling Zhou Mi how you felt about him. Time did the rest." 

"Just help me," Kyuhyun pleads with him. "Can't you just - I don't know - try and subtly find out why he won't have sex with me?" Ryeowook might be outwardly abrasive at times, but he can't resist a direct plea. Kyuhyun tugs on his hand and gives him his best puppy dog expression. It's not as good as Zhou Mi's, but it's still pretty damn effective. 

And it's effective this time too, as Ryeowook relents, agreeing to see what he can find out. 

 

*

 

"Well? Verdict?" Kyuhyun asks Ryeowook the following day.

Ryeowook holds out his hand. "First things first." 

Kyuhyun passes over the paper bag he's holding - a shameless bribe - and Ryeowook opens it to check the contents before he answers. "Okay, I tried to bring it up," he says, reaching into the bag to pull out the pastry, "But I didn't get much - he clammed up straight away." 

"He did?" That was pretty unusual. Zhou Mi and Ryeowook were good friends, and normally Zhou Mi was very open with him.

"Something's bothering him, something about you. As soon as I brought up your relationship, even in passing, he shut down." 

Kyuhyun knew, though he'd been doing his best not to think about it, that something had been bothering Zhou Mi for a while. But to have it confirmed felt like there was suddenly lead sitting heavily in his stomach. 

He must've looked pale because Ryeowook tells him, "Relax, I doubt he wants to break up with you. It's probably nothing."

Uh oh.

You know when someone tells you not to think about an elephant and suddenly you can't stop thinking about an elephant? Kyuhyun just had that reaction to Ryeowook's words. He HADN'T been thinking about Zhou Mi breaking up with him, but now… it all makes sense. Their sex life has gone to shit, Zhou Mi is working a lot, he won't talk to Ryeowook about it - he must be preparing to dump Kyuhyun. 

 

*

 

Just like an adult, Kyuhyun decides that the best way to deal with it is: avoidance. 

If Kyuhyun doesn't give Zhou Mi the opportunity, he won't be able to break up with him. Brilliant! And okay - perhaps it's not the most adult thing he's ever done in his life, but it's working. Hours have passed and he's yet to be dumped! It's probably a bit weird that he keeps ducking out of rooms whenever Zhou Mi enters, but Kyuhyun has his eye on the long game. 

Later that day Zhou Mi enters Kyuhyun's office without knocking, saying, "I want to -"

Kyuhyun immediately jumps up from his chair. "Sorry! Need to head out! Talk to you later!" He runs out.

 

*

 

"You're coming to monthly drinks," Ryeowook tells him, grabbing the back of Kyuhyun's collar so he can drag him along. "No arguments, no excuses, and you WILL talk to Zhou Mi." 

They walk down the street together - well, Ryeowook walks, and Kyuhyun gets tugged along in his iron grip. But when they enter the bar, Kyuhyun's eyes narrow. 

"What the hell is he doing here?" 

Zhou Mi is already there - and so is Heechul, who makes an appearance at drinks occasionally, despite not being part of the clinic. They're in a corner booth, heads together and having what looks like a deep conversation. They're looking much too cozy for Kyuhyun's liking. 

And because Kyuhyun is the most adultest of all adults, he deals with it in the most adult way possible.

He gets drunk.

Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY drunk.

 

*

 

The following morning (or is it the afternoon?), he realises it was the worst idea he's had in a long time when his head feels like it's caving in. The whole night is very blurry, and he doesn't recall getting home, but he does remember Zhou Mi looking at him with disappointment at some point during the evening. Thanks memory! That's exactly what he wants to remember. 

He groans in pain when the light hits his eyelids. When he cracks an eye open, he can see Zhou Mi sitting there. And even through Kyuhyun's hangover haze, he can tell that Zhou Mi is upset. 

"We need to talk."

Nothing good has EVER come after that phrase, and nothing else has ever sobered Kyuhyun up as fast. He sits up quickly, all the blood rushing to his head as the entire room spins. 

Well, not entirely sober.

Still, he pushes through it. "What's wrong? Is everything okay? What happened?" The alcohol from last night sloshes in Kyuhyun's stomach and bile crawls up his throat as he resists the urge to throw up. "Uggggh."

Zhou Mi hands him a damp washcloth and a glass of water. "Here." 

After Kyuhyun hunches over his knees for a while, the room finally stops spinning. 

"I know you're not feeling well," Zhou Mi says, "But I don't think we can put off this conversation any longer." 

_Oh my god,_ Kyuhyun thinks. _This is it. He's going to break up with me._ Unfortunately avoidance isn't going to work this time because Kyuhyun can't leave the bed without throwing up. 

"I haven't been imagining it - things have been weird, right?" Zhou Mi says tentatively. "Between us?" He chews a little on his lip, picking at the threads on the bedspread.

Kyuhyun thinks he's going to vomit AND hyperventilate. _This is it. He's going to do it._

"Are you breaking up with me?" they both blurt at the same time. 

"What? No!" they chorus together. 

"Huh?"

"I thought you -"

"You're not?"

"But -"

Kyuhyun slaps his hand over Zhou Mi's mouth. "Can I just be clear? You're NOT breaking up with me?"

Zhou Mi shakes his head, saying something that's muffled by Kyuhyun's hand.

"What?" Kyuhyun removes his hand. "Say that again."

"I thought YOU were breaking up with me! You've been so weird lately! Hiding things from me and being all buddy buddy with Henry, and doing all kinds of strange things. Weird!" 

"You're not breaking up with me," Kyuhyun says in wonder. 

"Did you not hear a single word I said?" 

"You're not breaking up with me?"

"No? Hello? Can you hear me?"

Kyuhyun throws himself at Zhou Mi, practically climbing into his lap, hangover forgotten. "You're not breaking up with me!" 

"You smell really bad, like a stale brewery," Zhou Mi complains, but he still hugs Kyuhyun back tightly in obvious relief. 

It must be love.

 

*

 

Later, after Kyuhyun has showered, they're cuddling on the couch. 

"Are you going to explain what's been going on?"

Ahh. Kyuhyun knew this was coming, and suddenly there's a spot on the wall that seems very interesting. Zhou Mi pokes him. "I know something's been bothering you. You know that adults talk about things, right?" 

"I think Hugo needs to be fed."

Zhou Mi grabs his arms and pulls him back down. "Please? Don't you trust me?" He gives Kyuhyun a pleading expression - the one that makes Kyuhyun weak to everything. 

"I-was-worried-I'm-too-vanilla-for-you," Kyuhyun blurts. 

It takes a while for Zhou Mi to process Kyuhyun's word vomit, but eventually he does, asking, "What? Where would you get that idea?"

"Heechul might've said something in passing," Kyuhyun confesses. Even though he hates Heechul, he also doesn't want to tell Zhou Mi that one of his best friends is a total dickface because that would hurt Zhou Mi's feelings. 

Zhou Mi's face clears in understanding. "Heechul." Then he says, "What exactly did he tell you?" 

Kyuhyun's previous reservations about not wanting to throw Heechul under the bus are now gone. "He said that he was surprised that I'm not too plain for you, because of how kinky you are." 

Zhou Mi suddenly looks bashful and Kyuhyun has a bad feeling. "Oh my god it's true," he groans, covering his eyes with a forearm and slumping backwards. 

Zhou Mi tugs at his arm. "No! You're not, I promise. I love you and I love the things that we do." He nuzzles into Kyuhyun. "Look at me. Please?" 

Kyuhyun sneaks a peek at him. "Really? Our vanilla sex life is okay?"

"It's wonderful because it's with you." Even though it's probably one of the cheesiest things Zhou Mi has ever said to him, he's shining with sincerity and Kyuhyun believes him. His heart softens. 

However, there's still one question… 

"Was Heechul lying then?"

"Well..." Zhou Mi says evasively. "When you're young you tend to experiment a bit more, right?" 

No??? Kyuhyun didn't do that kind of experimentation when he was younger??? He frowns at his boyfriend who flops over him in response. 

"No wonder you've been so buddy buddy with Henry. Henry's a pervert." 

"He is," Kyuhyun agrees, a little distracted by Zhou Mi's hands wandering underneath his shirt. "But he was surprisingly helpful, although he did make me spend a fortune on toys." 

Zhou Mi's hands still. "Toys? Like - sex toys?"

"Uh huh. All this stuff that I don't even know how to use." 

"You still have them?"

Kyuhyun nods and explains how he stashed them at the bottom of their closet. (He conveniently leaves out the part where Hugo found the bag and ate one of the butt plugs.) He yelps when Zhou Mi drags him off the couch and into their bedroom. 

 

*

 

Turns out vanilla isn't such a boring flavour after all. 

It's all about the toppings. 

 

*

 

**Epilogue**

"Bye buddy," Zhou Mi sniffs into Hugo's fur, arms around the dog's neck. 

Kyuhyun can hardly believe it, but someone actually agreed to adopt Hugo, and the day has come to say goodbye. 

Hugo's new owners are an older couple with a semi-rural property - plenty of space for him to run around and keep him mentally stimulated. Zhou Mi's theory is that Hugo chews things out of boredom, so they're hoping that his new home will help on that factor. 

In addition, Flossy and Bacon were adopted out just over a week ago. Adoptions have been on the rise since Zhou Mi started posting YouTube videos. Whenever they get a new animal, Zhou Mi posts a short clip of the new arrival, and the videos are surprisingly popular. 

Kyuhyun thinks that perhaps the success isn't due solely to the animals, but the fact that Zhou Mi is self appointed narrator and always sneaks in shots of his beaming face as he enthuses about the cat or dog's positive attributes. Kyuhyun has to admit that the videos are kind of cute, and Zhou Mi even seems to have garnered a wee fanclub. 

"Kyu, are you filming this?" Zhou Mi asks suddenly, from where he's still crouching down and cuddling Hugo. 

Oops. Kyuhyun lifts his phone back up. "Yes, sorry." 

"Can you get a close up of Hugo's happy face?" 

Kyuhyun resists the urge to roll his eyes and does as instructed. Hugo does look particularly joyful, eyes bright and tail wagging. 

"This is what an animal looks like when they get adopted!" Zhou Mi narrates into the camera when Kyuhyun shifts the focus to him. "If you're thinking of getting a pet, please come and see us!"

Kyuhyun stops the recording and Zhou Mi gives Hugo a final cuddle before letting him go. 

"That's a wrap!" 

 

*

 

It's time for their monthly clinic meeting. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are already in the breakroom waiting when Zhou Mi enters with the pizza boxes. 

"I have news!" Zhou Mi says brightly as he places them on the table before reaching into his pocket to pull out a piece of paper. He waves it in the air. "Our permit has been issued!"

Kyuhyun takes it from him to look over it. "Wow, this is what we waited two months for?" Then he snaps at Henry, who followed Zhou Mi into the room and already has his mouth full. "Why are you here eating my pizza?"

Henry shrugs, reaching into the box for another slice. "I'm just here for the food." 

"I invited him," Zhou Mi tells Kyuhyun placatingly, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Since he works here and is part of the clinic, you know? Besides, he told me your secret."

Secret?? 

Zhou Mi pulls out another piece of paper that looks like a magazine article as Henry smirks at Kyuhyun, chewing smugly. 

Oh. _That_ secret. Next time Kyuhyun gets Henry alone he's going to punch him in the balls. 

Zhou Mi giggles as he reads. "You really need to stop taking life advice from these things," he says in amusement.

"That's what **I** said," Ryeowook agrees. 

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?"

Zhou Mi smiles at Kyuhyun, a little condescendingly, and pats his leg. "Not really. But I love you anyway." Zhou Mi goes back to the article. "Hey, you didn't try this one." 

Kyuhyun goes bright red. He couldn't bring himself to try ALL of the tips, particularly not THAT one. Zhou Mi leans over to whisper huskily in his ear, "We should try it. I like that idea _a lot_." His hand travels further up Kyuhyun's leg. 

Fuck.

Kyuhyun is _fucked_. 

(And he wouldn't have it any other way.)


End file.
